There are 9,000 to 30,000 Christian* denominations and many different versions of the Gospel and how one can be sure they are truly saved.
“The Gospel is simple!” according to most Christian Fundamentalists I’ve shared air with in my journey.
Yet another mythology that “simply” isn’t true from an intellectually honest perspective.
The Gospel* and being “saved” takes on a lot of nuance, depending on which of the 9,000 to 30,000 flavors of Christian* denomination and their particular interpretation of “this is what the bible says!” you appeal to.
Whenever I hear the statement, “The Gospel is simple”…my first response is to ask the particular person to quantify that statement…to give me the “simple” Gospel message. Then I ask them how I can know for sure whether or not I am officially “saved” according to their particular Belief System.
It usually goes something like this:
Evangelical: “The simple Gospel is this: Believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God and you’ll be saved.”
Alex: But, your same Presuppositionalist position asserts that “even the devil believes.” There must be more to it, no?
Evangelical: “Well, yes, you have to accept Jesus into your heart and be born again.”
Alex: OK, you mean like saying the sinner’s prayer?
Evangelical: “Yes. Exactly.”
Alex: OK, I’ve done that a bunch of times, too many to count.
Lutheran: “Um, excuse me, you have to be baptized as well. The bible clearly says you have to be baptized to be saved.”
Evangelical: “No, it doesn’t say that.”
Lutheran: “Um, yes it does, right here: Baptism, which corresponds to this, now saves you, not as a removal of dirt from the body but as an appeal to God for a good conscience, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ. And, here: Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved. And, here: Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. You have to believe AND be baptized to be officially saved.
Calvinist: “Hey, excuse me, God regenerates you, you have nothing to do with it. Walking forward at an altar call and saying you believe in Jesus and getting baptized doesn’t mean squat. Five bucks and an altar call at your local Calvary Chapel will get you a coffee at their onsite Starbucks. You have to be regenerated by God.”
Catholic: “You rebellious protestants are all wrong. You have to go to confession for your mortal sins, you have to be baptized into the Roman Catholic Church and you have to do good works. And, Martin Luther was a total arsehole.”
Lutheran: “Good works? Puuulllleeeze. Sola Fide! Sola Scriptura! Sola Gratia! Don’t make me nail some s**t on your door you Mary worshipper!”
Catholic: “Screw you protestant rebel scum.”
Evangelical: “Well, I think you’re both going to hell and worshipping a false God, you both belong to dead churches and you baptize babies and liturgy is the sign of a dead church. You have to have life and you have to walk with Jesus and abide in the vine and live for God daily.”
Charismatic: “No, YOU’RE going to hell, too. You have to be born of the Spirit and have the sign gifts or you aren’t truly saved! You don’t even speak in tongues!”
Calvinist” “Sign gifts? Like rolling around in the aisles barking like dogs and speaking in Klingon? You guys are freaking nuts! God is a God of order!”
Lutheran: “Ya, God is a God of order!”
Catholic: “Amen!”
Evangelical: “Ya, kind of with you on that, but we do raise our hands now and again. And, I close my eyes on occasion. I spoke in tongues at a Calvary Chapel once, but then they became Southern Baptist.”
Charismatic: “The only moves of the Spirit ya’ll have are when you’re about to drop a deuce. You’re all spiritually dead! You need the Holy Spirit! Come to a fresh fire spiritual revival and get the Holy Ghost! You need a miracle in your life. If you step out in faith and send me some money, you’ll get that miracle!”
Alex: Um, guys, can we get back on topic? How can I know for sure I’m saved? What do I have to do?
Lordship Salvation’ite: “You must be holy and Jesus must be Lord of your life in all areas. You have to surrender to him daily. Don’t dance, don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t chew…and don’t go with girls who do.”
Alex: Oh, brother.
Calvinist: “You’re not regenerate, you’re not my brother. If you were truly regenerate, you’d understand the correct doctrine and correct Theology. TULIP, double-predestination, monergism, ESV, Calvin’s Institutes. That’s how I roll beotches.”
Lordship Salvation’ite: “You got that right. He’s not saved, no way. I like your content but I can’t agree with your language Calvinist. You need to repent. We must be holy at all times. I sense some sin in your life and that is not a sign of being truly regenerate. There is something you haven’t surrendered to the Lord yet”
Lutheran: “Doubtful you’re saved. Have you been baptized? Do you take the Sacraments?”
Alex: Yup, I’ve been baptized twice. I’ve even had communion many times.
Lutheran: “As a baby?”
Alex: Nope.
Lutheran: “Juice and crackers? Did you believe it was the literal flesh and blood of Jesus?”
Alex: Yes to the first one and nope to the second.
Lutheran: “Then nevermind, you’re screwed.”
Catholic: “Alex, when is the last time you went to confess your sins to an authority who represents God from the Catholic Church?”
Alex: Nope. Never.
Catholic: “Not good, unless you don’t know any better in your conscience, then you’ve got a chance in purgatory.”
Evangelical: “Purgatory? There’s no such thing. You Catholics are nuts. But there is a Jesuit conspiracy and the Pope is the Anti-Christ!”
Catholic: “Oh, here we go again.”
Lordship Salvation’ite: “I’m with Evangelical on this one.”
Charismatic: “Me, too, the great Whore of Babylon! The End is near!”
Evangelical: “You know it! Gog and Magog, the Mark of the Beast, One World Religion, it’s the sign of the times! Just read the newspaper.”
Lutheran: “You guys are freaking nuts. The End is near alright, the end of interpreting Revelation correctly.”
Calvinist: “Amen, Lutheran.”
Lordship Salvation’ite: “Calvinist, I love you bro, but you’ve got blind spots when it comes to the bible. Dispensationalism and End Times are legit, Johnny Mac says so.”
Calvinist: “Johnny Mac? He’s a legalist.”
Evangelical: “He’s not very nice. He seems so angry.”
Charismatic: “He’s a Cessationist demon possessed false prophet! You’d be angry, too, if you didn’t have the Holy Spirit!”
Catholic: “You’re all nuts. You need to repent and come back to the Catholic Church.”
Lutheran: “The Pope wears a fish hat and the reason priests molest all those boys is because they can’t get married.”
Catholic: “Oh, you had to go there!”
Alex: Guys, guys, settle down. Can’t we all sing Kumbaya or something?
Universalist: “Did somebody say Kumbaya?”
What is the “simple” Gospel message? Can you tell me how I can be saved, like for sure saved? What’s your take?
